Parenting and Raising Kids is a Hard Job - Here's My Take

In my years of raising two kids into adulthood; it is challenging because there is no real universal manual for raising children and family engagement. There are patterns and ways of upbringing that are brought down from our parents, other family matriarchal and patriarchal people in our lives. We have to discern whether it applies to any type of children especially with special needs, etc. and folks from another culture.

As parents, we have to take into account that each child is different and how they function in the family and society are dependent on the confidence and the healing of the parents. We aren’t perfect and can come with different aspects of self healing. Sometimes, we notice these patterns as expecting parents and want to address these…Sometimes, these issues rise up soon after the birth of your child and you see patterns in your family handed down and false beliefs and good traits to take into account. No family is perfect and we take the good from the unhealed and address these by getting ourselves healed.

When there is ancestral trauma or personal trauma; it can rise up like a flag when triggered if not healed and we have to take note and get the healing. Healing takes time and like life has its seasons; we too have our seasons and ups and downs and need to take that into account of self love and patience and appreciate the progress. 

I have noticed the social skills have gone down in children often said to spend a lot of time alone without engaging properly. Like coming out when guests or family arrive to say hello and have a chat here and there. I know teens and young adults like their privacy but to eat separately from family is a message that tells the guests they are not interested in engagement. We have to teach our child to greet us and thank us personally when we do or give them something. It is impersonal when the parents do the thanking and talking for them. They cannot develop their sense of worth and value of their words if someone constantly shields them to the point they don’t engage with other friends or family members in good manners.

I have been taught that you greet people when they arrive and respect them and if you have nothing else to say then you can leave but not so quickly. The child has to develop a strength in being present and engaged this way. Encourage your kids to engage with folks and pleasantly chat with them. If they feel uncomfortable about what is being said or done then develop the encouragement to say “I am uncomfortable about this and I am going to my room.” This is the way to create boundaries and engagement to know how to resolve things. If the child has a helicopter parent speak for them even as young adults…do not let them retreat to their room and ask them to speak their mind in a respectful way and their feelings and boundaries right then and there. Not to be rude or shaming in return because that is a learned trait from maturity and accountability and taking your stand.

If a family dynamic occurs when families of a married couple are very different; then the way to engage with both families is to have a get together in a neutral place with potluck or order in no frills and or gifts and just learn to engage. If you constantly keep it separate; then you are agreeing to the division of the family and the children learn without knowing that they don’t have to engage with other family members. This makes it okay for them not to engage, not to show up and not to be present even in difficult or awkward times. We have to teach our kids that there are folks who are not like us but we don’t have to engage deeply but respectfully and then take their privacy.

Sometimes, effort from only one side of the family is not accepted or respected or discussed. The continuous allowance of this division tells the children that two different families cannot engage and that’s the way life is ... .if someone is different, don’t engage or try to understand them and just take time to yourself. They will not learn how family and society works. 

I feel this is important to talk about since we are all getting older and hopefully maturing at our own pace. Teach your kids that they have the power to deal, create boundaries and ways of dealing with people different from them and still be able to deal with this on a bigger scale in their jobs and college and beyond.

The advice I give to parents; expose your kids to different people and it’s not always going to be people you associate with because it builds resiliency, wisdom and people skills along with their own discernment, engagement and beyond. 

If your child grows up with disabilities; there is no magic way of teaching them as their pace is slower or different and has its own highs and lows that you can only figure out if you just try. Never shame your child and use other unhealthy habits as distractions.

It is important when dating that we teach our kids about safe environments, how to handle situations and ways of resolving or getting out of a situation by using discernment first and at first hint they are uncomfortable and always have a way to leave. The importance of guiding your kids about sexual encounters if safety, discernment, permission and respect and mutual agreement and age appropriateness. It doesn’t’ make sense when parents give their kids the knowledge of birth control and then leave them without guidance especially with a child under the age of adulthood. Early sexual permissiveness will result in distractions from the focus of their primary function is healthy choices and education and not give permission that sex is part of their lives if their grades or performance academically is sacrificed. I advise a parent telling them before the age of adulthood to engage in sex makes it a focus that is unhealthy and can result in early pregnancy, early adoptions and early parenthood they are not ready for. Focus on their health, their education and that’s the simplest role for their own brain’s maturity.

I just know from experience and watching families making too many choices and allowances to a child who doesn’t have the confidence or maturity to handle adult situations that should be reserved for when they succeed in their educational goals as the priority rather than utilizing sexual encounters a preferred preference along with it only confuses and creates academic failure. Then get upset with your immature young adult child about it because they lack the maturity to separate and handle the two. It creates confusion and clouds their abilities to succeed in their work, life and goals.

This is my advice to folks from a parenting experience. I have also seen two different families like my own family in Arizona with diverse family members get together at family gatherings frequently and pleasantly without bringing in conversations of chaos, the past unhealed issues because they didn’t go to a therapist and get help on their own and enjoying the food and being present together as a whole without focusing on the differences and more the presence and joy of being a family together. This I do say is a gift. The Filipino and Latino part of my family function this way and it is a wonderful way to know there is a larger support along with their parents or others who they can trust and turn to in their lives in times of need or socially engage in a healthy way.

Try it…you may succeed or other people become family if you don’t have a family but don’t use trauma or laziness or another person’s choice of division to drive apart what could be a whole unit of support of love for each other. Have a great time and think about the gifts of family and mutually engaging and enjoy it all…whether friends or blood. Don’t rule out trying with the family first and then you can say you tried. If you think of it and do not follow with action; you aren’t trying. It also depends on other family members and their willingness. If they don’t want to engage then leave it alone and be happy with those who do. Much love and unified family efforts made on all parts to make a family whole so our children can function fully out there and not come back to needing you all your life. I know this for a fact but take into account if your child has disabilities; the grateful steps taken to achieve harmonious relationships for our kids sake and the future.

I hope this helps any parents, adopted parents, people functioning as caregivers or parental roles. Much loving light hugs and don’t forget your own me time to reset and be present for your sake and your children.