How We Handle the Season of Our Life if Adopted/Abandoned

How do we honor the seasons of our own lives? Our Seasons are similar to the 4 seasons we are taught from childhood: Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall. We were taught to notice the changes in the air, the temperature, the messages from the leaves and flowers waning and blooming at different seasons and the element of wind and water ever changing form affecting all life to hibernate or wander and thrive freely. We must review each season and what it makes us feel to understand this reading with each season and how we identify these feelings in our own lives. We are taught with religious or spiritual celebrations we affiliate with as youth or grow into with the weaving of the mythical stories of childhood with the influences of religious or spiritual ceremonies and their stories in the holy books from the memories of men educated and influential in society and we believed every word even the stories of our teachers…we believed every word and the stories of how our family came to be from our ancestors stories handed down from long ago as much as could be. What do we do when someone is abandoned and or given up for adoption? They adopt their families influences and their religious or spiritual influences upon us thinking this is the way is best for our child. It is from our standpoint. Then the children grow up to question these rituals, celebrations and stories and want some answers. Sometimes, we don’t know the full answers and then say that’s the way it was told to me and I am merely passing this information to you? Any parent adopting a child will understand later as the child questions or becomes curious why don’t they behave or look like the others and ask why? Some parents prefer to leave that to the child when an adult inquires if the records are available and whether the parent of birth origin wishes to be found. It is a difficult matter to address and there are no full answers. We can only give our child the best of our own upbringing and go from there.

Sometimes, a child may have a traumatic situation left unrevealed because it is too painful for all parties to address. Sometimes, we feel an outer therapist can help but in the long run what can we do? We can only merely encourage the child that we are doing the best with the information given and protecting them from any harm or future pain is the immediate concern. Sometimes, it is too painful for both adopted parent and child to address as an adult. Will it help to unravel and reveal the past trauma to an extent as to why the questions are why I don’t look like you or my siblings if any? Why do I behave differently or have different choices in manner of dress, appearance and foods, etc.? These are good to notice and convey gently that you were adopted and it may be an influence from your biological parent(s). Is it hurtful? Yes and is it healthy to ask these questions? Yes. How do we address this delicate situation? Sometimes, it is a matter of both parents unable to provide quality care and or a single parent dealing with the inability to provide or care for properly if the bio parent was way too young. Having an experienced and affluent older couple capable of providing the best quality of life who wants this child in their life is a blessing. 

Sometimes, we can’t get all the answers and sometimes we can if the bio parent wants to be reached out to. Some do and some don’t as a new chapter in life was viewed. It would be nice to meet healthy and stable bio parents but sometimes that is not the case. Some are in prison, addicts or have passed on. What we can convey is there was a love so strong to have this child in our life and considered a valued member of the family. Sure we cannot cover all the bases of lost time, lost grades and school pictures but we can see we were wanted and loved in the best capacity a parent could give a child. There will be times the adult child will doubt their worth, will have triggers and best to have regular therapeutic sessions with an experienced counselor specialized in whatever the circumstances that caused the trauma to remain in the child to adult’s brain. We know that lots of work needs to be done on the afflicted adults part by going regularly, self care, self loving and knowing that the present is a gift now we have the power to change our outlook on life into a good positive potential forward and try to do the work inner work to be present in gratitude and love for themselves and their own family and children. This takes alot of dedication and it will take as long as it takes. We cannot put a deadline on healing even though our children seem to bounce back…having good communication will help both ways as open channels to healing and wholeness. 

When we are traumatized and unhealed we will interpret a simple inability for an adoptive parents to fulfill every expectation as a rejection or any imperfection. The adult child may harshly judge the imperfection as not loving them and this will cause friction. We have to understand we are all human and cannot always be able to address things we feel strongly should be but we can attempt gently. If the same inability to address the issue towards your questions as an adopted adult keeps occuring; you have to simply understand that the adoptive parent(s) are unable to resolve something and leave them be. Go to a therapist and it’s not that they don’t love you to address it…it is too painful and something they had not had in their own upbringing to address. Sometimes old school parents were taught the discomfort you ignore and don’t address and it stays hush and think of other ways to bring joy to family get togethers. We have to understand and be vigilant about our therapy as needed as a trauma victim and take care of ourselves. Our adoptive parents cannot undertake a bio parent's infliction of pain, rejection or abuse or neglect ... .they can only love us in the capacity they can give us and that is love.

Love is the answer they can only provide. Keep the faith you will be whole and you will be well working with your therapist and counselor. Yes, there are stages of healing and sometimes a counselor can feel like you are standing still or stagnant because you are ready to go to the next level and search for one who can handle the next level and bless the time you got to this point after doing the work to wholeness. 

I have a relative that was adopted by a woman who had no man involved in their child’s life. She drank and couldn’t handle the care of the child and she was adopted by my Grandparents. Thank goodness they took her in. They were not perfect; both scarred from family upbringing or wars and they had the best intentions to give this child a life of potential. This adult is thriving and has so many who love and wish the best for her. Sure she has down days, sure she feels unloved but these were triggers she created in her childhood to explain the adult situations as the same. She must catch herself as she is always loved but love herself and she can see that she is loved fully without a doubt and the only doubt of being loved is her. We must catch ourselves and be truthful why we were triggered; it’s not because of the other person’s actions; it’s the interpretation that I am not loved or my expectations centered into familiar signs of love and rejection that can be misinterpreted and know fully well that you are Loved from Above and so Below on this Planet. Laugh at your childlike misinterpretation and know that you can catch yourself and move forward with the counseling if needed in the end to be whole. There’s no time deadline but remember you are always fully loved. Mother Mary tells us so and the lessons we received were meant to make us stronger. 

This I can tell you is most rewarding when you realize your growth potential has reached a mark and with gratitude you find the next level of counseling you need. Be whole, know you are loved and stay strong. Much love to you always. Love has no barriers, love has no separations and love is meant to unite us. Best wishes on your journey to wholeness. I am no therapist or counselor and only merely suggest being pensive about your behaviors and reactions and engagements as a family and how to resolve with expert counseling to bring you into wholeness.