Relationships - When to Let Go
We have been programmed by society, our ancestors, our parents, our religious institutions and spiritual affiliations and other organizations of what the male and female roles are in a heterosexual relationship. Little emphasis but now it is breaking barriers having movies about different relationships and their possibilities, their challenges and their beauty.
When you think of commitment; you have to ask yourself: “Are you ready for the reality that not everything will be roses and romance forever only?” If you think so; I hope both of you have known each other awhile enough to work out any differences you have and why you wish to be in a relationship with long term commitment. When we get engaged; we get all kinds of advice about what a good spouse is to each other and what is expected, especially in highly religious or strong adhering cultures where the men are the patriarchs and women are the soft and nurturing.
When we live our lives; sometimes we define our gender from what people want us to be. In my family; my father was patriarchal but so was his Dad and his Dad’s Dad. This was an assumed way of being male. The women relinquished their voice or power of decisions especially financially. Some times; in our parent’s case; they were not taught money management or how to balance and checkbook. They didn’t understand the value of saving and holding funds for a rainy day. Money was spent and then rent and utilities were scrambled for. If you have a dysfunctional home; then it is chaotic for the children too.
Back in the old days; when both parents were struggling but working; the kids sometimes dropped out of school or sacrificed working with their parents on farms so they could eat and live. In our case; it was a man who earned a Purple Heart and went to war. He came back destroyed, he had a violent father and abusive Mother. There was already baggage of their ancestors before them and they repeated the same patterns of baggage onwards. This was not a healthy household.
If you don’t get that a relationship is a two way street where both decide and discuss financially how to spend the money especially when you have children to feed and cloth and send to school. A relationship requires healed individuals or if they are not to get healed first before marrying or committing to each other. It is best to talk of things like where are you at in your finances? Are you a saver or spender? Do you both work and earn income and share the rent and utilities and then save a little into one pot for travel or meals out? You have your criterias you discuss and put together and a budget. People who don’t budget or check their bills or statements or monitor their spending will head into catastrophe. There will be disagreements and you are teaching the children that money is a tree but then there is a price for it. Don’t argue and blame but really focus every month about the shared finances and how to maintain the savings and the rent, utilities, and all required to live basically then address the extras if any.
Teach your children financial responsibility and how to save. Eating out constantly is a bad habit and drinking habits need to be monitored. If you have a substance problem; don’t get married or committed; get cleaned up and get your head straight. Don’t have children and complain you have to feed, cloth and school them. Don’t complain if the kids have a passion. There are budgets and there are decisions not by favoritism by measuring out each child’s potential.
Always show your child the savings is a goal for a family trip or a movie night out or family time or birthdays. Show your child that it takes a disciplined way of living to enjoy life. Even the simple things can be celebrated. Walk in the park, playing sports with friends in the park or whatever your family is nearby in nature to enjoy. Teach your child the quality of life with nature, free style dancing, inner child play and laughing. Do things you know won’t break you if you are on a budget but won’t steal your joy or create a lack and worry of money. We are all creative.
In a relationship, when your life is flowing, everyone is communicating and sharing ideas and welcomed brainstorms encourage the children and teach them they can problem solve. Trying different places and foods is also a great exposure to learning about each other and acceptance.
If you do not have any communication, no open ended calming discussions to understand each other and each other’s point of view; you lose the opportunity to understand how each of you thinks and what way to communicate to each other and show your love language and discover what that is. When a couple is truly happy is when you know they talk things out…good, bad, ugly, sad, anything and with the thought you wish to reach closure helps. Then you can manage the ups and downs of life as a healthy unit and your children see this and will learn what healthy is.
Be present, be good with your kids and say we parted because we had some work to do on ourselves we should’ve done along time ago before we got married and had you….tell your child they are not at fault and the best thing that has happened to them. Children should not be used as referees or made to take sides whose wrong or right or whose bad or good. We are all human, make mistakes and the best we can do is admit them and heal ourselves and stay that course. This I pray is the best way of being and standing on your own will make you a better person. You will see all that you are and improve and celebrate your progress. Believe in yourself and the best that will happen in this journey. Forgive each other and know what we are human and now doing our best forward. Be amicable and friends for the children’s sake and keep growing. Be proud you took the step to be your own best self forward. Much loving light hugs.
This is important if there is ABUSE get out!
Abuse is sometimes not seen by the abuser because a parent and grandparent displayed this behavior and accepted in the mind of the child this is the way and so the unhealthy cycle repeats. This goes the same in selecting your partner, spouse or other half. If you aren’t healed or seeing the abuse and someone calls you out on it; don’t walk away in shame…if you really want to heal; acknowledge it and ask for help to find help for you. Trauma or healing needs tender loving care from others to guide you back to your own peaceful and joy filled self. When you are healed and it takes work; you will see how happy you are but if you are brought up to take the abuse from your spouse; you will be direly unhappy and hopefully you will have the support to make it and call it quits. No amount of gifts can heal an unequal or abusive relationship. No amount of extracurricular activities or affairs to avoid the inevitable of addressing yourself not being able to be alone and work on yourself and be healed will domino effect the next generation and the next if you don’t catch yourself. Time to be an adult and see that parting and showing your kids that parting is a good thing is there are chaotic spending habits, no quality couple or family time and no communication. You would do a great service to part ways until you or both of you are healed…both the abuser and abused go to their own individual therapists. You need your time to repair, get help and be better for yourself. Don’t make it dramatic or violent…this is not the way of a mature adult to resolve and allow the process to happen without threats or drama. Admit when you are wrong; apologize and allow the healing process to begin on both sides. This is what I would’ve told my Mother if she had good friends and wasn’t hiding the situation in fear or because her culture would judge her or church. Allow the honesty to open the door and set you free.
You do a great service healing yourself and spending the time to do it thoroughly is a form of self love. When you love yourself; you are able to be alone and be vulnerable and to feel you are in a safe environment without the triggers. Triggers happen but yes you go back again and again when triggered. Do the therapy til you are whole and present and peaceful and happy. This is the grace of God in seeing this for yourself and better for the children to see this as well. Don’t demand or say to the kids or wife this is temporary and we’ll be together. You again cannot speak for the other spouse. They have their own journey and honor it.
If the abuse is so violent; then it is best to get help with organizations for domestic violence who can advise you to legal and protective services and the steps to get you and the children safe and on your own. Don't go back if you live in fear, can't have friends or are accused of fooling around and isolated or beaten. Get away and never go back. An abuser doesn't realize he can teach his own children to bully or force others to do whatever they wish and not respect others boundaries or allow others to speak up for their own.
Let the healing begin by letting go and take the time to heal and be better from now onwards.