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When I Hear: "I don't understand you."

Sitting by the light of the moon. She lulls me to write some interesting sharing. Is my truth to share or not? Well, I have been looking at my pictures and sometimes I see my Ancestor, Lucille Magers. She had these eyes that were piercing and was a healer, grew plants and canned fruits and vegetables. She was a seamstress and a wonderful entertainer and cook. She didn’t use measuring cups of spoons but her hands and her learned wit. She loved dancing and made her own costumes.

She was a rebel, married and had a child at 17. She was a valedictorian and in drama. She was a creative healer. She was someone who thought very differently from the rest. Even her Mother didn’t understand her. She lived her life with her own flow, discovery and she also made decisions that were steady and then all the sudden changed. She was certain at times and then something inside her said there is more to what you are seeing and feeling. There is more going on here than YOU. I became involved with my husband at just barely turning 18 years old. Married at 19 and my husband was 21 years of age. You think you are doing the right thing and try to live that life by the elders surrounding you. But you find the elders had a very harsh and different life than you and may be teaching you out of survival and fear.

Sometimes, we think that the world is just what the stereotypes and expected outcome and decisions should and could be because you say it so passionately and feel it so deeply and then there is a question in your mind you keep to yourself. You try to figure things out while doing the motions that you thought you needed to take. However, inside you are and she was still deciding. We orchestrate our liaisons with family and friends, healers and doctors and therapists but it comes down to you that I was still asking the questions. I am saying this and this over and over and taking the motions towards it but have I really done the research as I had not asked the professionals and people with the expertise and years in my life. What was I doing asking people who have never experienced one tenth of my life and why were they my support system? Was I making decisions from childhood trauma and knocking on other people’s door of their trauma and aligning the incorrect support because the experience wasn’t there in the main part of my life?

I saw this from my grandma and my Dad. He also would say as they were in unison their voices: “People don’t understand me.” We all think differently but in the end; we really must do our research and not act in my storm of emotion and tap into other’s storms for support…this creates a whirlwind of chaotic support and stirs their emotions. As I pulled away and retreated; I had to stop listening to all the noise and all the advice and really ask myself if this was enough to make a major decision. Did I need time and space where it was quiet to myself for myself and make a clearer decision when I chose. So I had to take myself out of the space and find a place but went into another space with similar issues that weren’t the same as my life. I still had the question in my mind? Do I want to do this now or later or never? Was this the only decision were two basic choices or was I like my maverick grandma…I needed me. What did I want to do?

Well, finally, I pulled away some more because I didn’t feel the solace in my heart and mind and doubted the decisions I made and I didn’t want to be told like my Grandma what to do because it was a decision that I felt would leave out other factors and complexities. I knew my children didn’t understand and neither did my husband either. But it was a decision that could affect them. Their expectations were different for my outcome. It seems so crystal clear. I hated the courts. The years my husband fought for his rights as landowner and protecting his tenants gave me the clue that it was a long dragged out money making scheme of a system that benefited the courts. The South was not kind to us observing the schooling, the way others made comments about being inter racial…our own immigration lawyer had no morals. He was hitting on me hoping to direct my husband out of the country and have some short fling for his benefit. I knew I would not give into the game of the scheme. I had already heard stories of the government taking our oil away as my Dad was Osage Nation. We had sat at restaurants in the South that didn't want to serve us and when one of my kids was at school they called to hear my husband’s voice to say he didn’t speak English and hung up.

The system was corrupt as my husband fought in the Stone Mountain where the Ku Klux Klan was and court every month for yard citation that he kept taking care of and got the officer’s approval it was good to find going to court for a year every month that it wasn’t and finally a new judge was placed and dismissed the case. The officer in charge in court in the lobby pulled a gun out twice as my husband was asking during break: "Officer, why are you doing this?”

Yes, my Grandma had been told by a restaurant on the military base in California that a friend who was white influenced her to come eat out there for her birthday. She was told they don’t allow brown people in here and she went home and made her own birthday lunch.

My Mother was called a N word as her skin was darker as an Asian Filipiina Woman like her Mother and Brother. She went through some things but I know she didn’t talk much about it but a couple times as my other grandparents came from the South and made judgments. It is ironic to be judged then go and judge another. Read this one more time. It is ironic to be judged then judge another.

There were factors in my mind that caused me to hear that voice…”Is this the final decision? Is there another solution even if people don’t see it as one. Can I live my life in peace now I am alone to breath and work on my inner peace and find a creative solution to my issues with my husband? I heard the yes, in my mind, the hope and it became louder than my heart and mind and body in pain. It was a decision to make it the way I want to live. Would I risk losing the people who thought I was certain about a decision that would be life changing for me and let them tell me…you did wrong, you lied to us and you have to go through with what you first claimed and you have no right to change your mind. Well, that’s not what my Grandma did. She lived her life and adopted a young girl and as a rambunctious teen…they were challenged in seeing eye to eye. My Grandma saw the maverick in her daughter as herself. She didn’t see it but judged it disapprovingly like her mother and so forth. It seems the threads of our ancestral experiences tend to have cycles until we break them but they are so tightly woven and we experience these to learn is this a cycle to continue through and live or can we change it. I say evolving is hard and staying in your own heart and mind and if people want you to commit to the old and certain decision that you made but changed your mind…let them know. Some people tell you to apologize for breaking the cycles, apologize for convincing me it was right. I really don’t want to hear you changing your mind and then you give them space if they insist you commit to what makes sense to them.

This discovery doesn’t get listened to or respected til years later or never. So yes, a Maverick does end up being alone because they don’t walk through life the expected ways. They make their own way and decisions in the end and it is not popular or the norm or understood. This is the result of testing the people around you how versatile you are and how versatile they are. If they continue to say: “I don’t understand you.” Let them be…that’s what they understand not to understand as the solution to them is a clear path from their mind to keep on the path they think you need to stay on. I say many paths can be carved back to you. You don’t have to live your life for others and their expectations and at questionable decisions in your mind and heart that don’t work for you. I am a fair person; if I feel the decision would direly affect another and break the harmonic agreements thus far; I know I am flexible, I can decide what is best in gradual progression. Others may not see the progression; but it is not their life.

What I mean ancestral experiences do happen in varied ways, illness, relationships, and living your own life. My husband and I have been creative and loyal and we find ourselves even more the way we decide and not anyone else. I don’t get involved in others' relationships and when someone tells you they are doing fine; let them be. No worries…they don’t have to worry about me. I find my grace, my peace with my life and decisions…if I am condemned because I am human and changed a different route; it’s okay. That’s the part of life that is interesting. Asking myself now do you have that question in your mind? If no, continue and if yes then you can also change. For me it was no. I do not have to change my mind from changing my mind…Sounds like a joke but it is real. Some can’t see it as real, they don’t have to understand and they can live in surrender of peace and acceptance or struggle to understand. I leave that space with them like I needed to take a long awaited space for me.

I feel fine and blessed. I also feel that life is a temporary one and we have lived many…are we able to break the cycles of our ancestors? Yes, but in different tangents. During the time to reflect, was I wrong? What did I contribute to issues? Look at patterns of your Ancestors…are you being told you are just like your Ancestor? Look at your life path and see if they are in alignment…we are more than a human being…we are an ever expanding soul and we have no one to answer to constantly or to be berated for our decisions and our divine right to change them. My Grandma told me “You are very brave in this way of living; I wish I had been.” I appreciate her message and understanding.

Still get the words: “I don’t understand you.” Smile, it’s not their life and you don’t have to live your life for them…you live your life for you. I know I am doing fine with a new friend who is an intelligent cosmic priestess when she says to me: “You’ve got balls of steel.” Well, that I will take and am grateful I have been surrounded in my new environment with older women who mentor me just by being them…I was surrounded by millennials who think very differently. My mistake: I told them to share things they had not experienced yet for support and get them emotionally caught up. I can’t keep apologizing and being berated for my humanity and imperfection; I can only go forward. I cannot bow to others in their own trauma that I am worthless because it’s their own life and I have my own and we need to stop judging and accepting and if there is no respect; we need to give each other space. That’s the lesson here…space and acceptance and forgiveness and moving on and not retracting and holding the guilt over your head. People stop berating themselves in their own hearts and minds and then they will not hold over things of the past …we all move forward together or apart. Simple as that. Love and light is what I wish for me and others. If my presence as a mover and shaker of a different way of being is disturbing to them; let them be so they live their life and focus on their own quality they want. It’s all the test and game of life and when we meet in the ethers; we will laugh at how serious everything was taken and how we were just learning and walking each other home like “Ram Dass” says near or far. Much loving light to all those who understand and to those who don’t.

Enjoy your holidays. Don't feel guilty for the past; don’t feel guilty for the present and just breathe in so much loving light that you are just that and always will be.


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